Bleeding Heart Machine

The machine woke him up.

"Hello, Phillip."

Phillip arose and the machine took sixty-seven minutes to dress him.

"We're going extra slow just for you. Just," the machine repeated," For you."

Phillip walked to the table and sat down. Breakfast took an hour and a half to be served. Phillip ate, stood up, and walked across the room to sit at a desk. On the desk was a typewriter.

"Today," the machine said. "You must write one thousand words per minute for sixteen hours."

Phillip wrote. After twenty hours had elapsed he passed out from fatigue and hunger. He had written a little more than four thousand words.

The machine returned sixty days later. Phillip's corpse sat in the chair, head resting upon the typewriter.

"Phillip, you have failed in your duty. I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go. It should only take a few years to process your termination papers. In the meantime, please continue writing."

When The World Tries To Go Down On You

It happened. One minute I'm a perfectly normal nobody, the next I'm famous.

My face is on the cover of all the magazines. Funny, I don't remember having my picture taken. There I am being interviewed on television and looking awfully charismatic. Is that really me?

I stare into the mirror and look at my face. Yes, it looks the same as that guy smiling in the magazine photos and laughing on TV, but it doesn't feel at all like me.

Miniature paparazzi pop out of my nostrils and capture the moment. "Do you think you'll ever marry your slutty, ultra-rich-super-bitch, celebrity girlfriend and start making babies?" one asks.

I pinch my nostrils shut and feel the crunch of their tiny bones. I blow their bloody remains onto tissue paper and toss it in the garbage. It's none of their business who I marry and make babies with.

There's a knock at the door. I open it and it's the world. "OMG," it says, "I'm, like, your biggest fan!" The world gets on its knees and unzips my pants. It starts to dig out my penis but I stop it. "No, this doesn't need to happen. You can do much better than me." The world looks up at me with puppy dog eyes. "But I want to! You deserve this!"

I slam the door in the world's face. I deserve nothing.